I can’t believe it, but here I am yet again, blogging, as I sit here on another one-way flight headed cross country in search of a new home, just 7 short weeks after my ‘Moving or Escaping’ post (http://gowiththeglow.net/2013/10/16/are-you-moving-or-escaping/). “Life happens when you’re busy making other plans” continues to bring new meaning to me everyday. We think we have it all figured out don’t we? And just as soon as we’re sure, we realize we know nothing! We have no control over anything!
And the song that I just so happened to wake up with in my head the other morning by Alanis Morissette with the lyrics: “…Thank you disillusionment…Thank you frailty, Thank you consequence…Thank you silence…the moment I let go of it, was the moment I got more than I could handle. The moment I jumped off of it, was the moment I touched down…”, was another reminder to detach myself from what I think I know, and to be grateful for the beautiful experiences I'm having as my heart leads the way along my path towards truth.
Master Kabbalist, Dr. Levry says that more is revealed to us, based on our level of consciousness. The only constant in life is change, so when we are open to receive these blessings of our truth—we must let go and allow for our destiny to unfold before us…but this is no easy task! “We are all uncomfortably comfortable in our comfort zone”.
My dedicated spiritual practice has opened so many doors and so many windows to peer into, to discover deeper levels of my soul. With this cultivation, I am developing a stronger intuition, which is forcing me to practice feeling, more so than thinking--not so easy for an over analyzer like myself! This puts me up against having to trust and let go, rather than force and control (which I'm way more comfortable with)!
My logical brain told me this past June, that it ‘made sense’ to go back to the lifestyle I was living in LA after a year of ‘taking a break’ while living with my mom on Cape Cod for 14 months. I was putting the pressure on myself to ‘move on’ with my life and couldn’t quite seem to figure out where ‘moving on’ would take me, so it seemed that LA had everything I was looking for ‘on paper’, and was the ‘comfortable’ choice to go back to. (aka forcing/controlling)
I heard the tiny little voice (aka intuition) telling me that this scenario is all too similar to that of going back to an ex-boyfriend—it’s easy to forget why you left in the first place…Needless to say, I had talked myself into all the reasons it would be different this time--Famous last words!
When I look back, I can spot all the little red flags that were appearing before I officially made my move, but my mind had everything perfectly orchestrated, and I was completely convinced of all my good ‘reasons’.
After 3 days of being back in LA, I was feeling what I described as being ‘off, in a funk, totally doubtful and resistant’. I couldn’t explain why I felt this way, and of course talked myself into the fact that I just wasn’t settled yet…but my gut feeling of, “ugh, what did I just do?” was so strong, I couldn’t shake it.
This is all great news though, because I'm LEARNING! I am so proud of myself for trusting in the unknown and listening to that inner voice telling me that LA is not a place I want to call home right now. I had to come all the way back out here to realize that where I need to be anchored, is near family. Boston may not look perfect ‘on paper’, but I hope to feel more grounded and ready to start building a foundation.
All of our life experiences take us forward into each new day and it’s part of my journey, to keep looking under each rock and in each corner, to gather pieces of myself so I can understand my truth and continue to get closer to my destiny.
I ’m in the game of life, not a cheerleader on the sidelines. Are you?
It may not be the easy road to travel 3,000 miles just to pack up my stuff yet again, turn right back around, and start all over, but this is life, folks! As my friend so eloquently put it, "This is what life looks like when it's working". Life is messy and chaotic and everything is up in the air because WE KNOW NOTHING!!!
All we can do is take one day at a time. I'm trusting each feeling that comes up and letting my heart lead the way, not my head.
As my friend said to me, “you can’t put your feelings down on paper”.
Trust your instincts—it holds all the answers. Remember that you know nothing. In nothingness is where you find everything—Surrender and allow.
(Who knows, I just may be writing to you in another month on a plane bound west again---hahaha!)
Sat Nam (That which is Truth)
Love, Peace and Light to you all,