Chapter Two. I walk down the same street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I’m in the same place! But it isn’t my fault. And it still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter Three. I walk down the same street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it there. I still fall in. It’s a habit! My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
Chapter Four. I walk down the same street. There’s a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
Chapter Five. I walk down a different street.” –Portia Nelson
This was the reading my amazing yoga teacher, Mary Catherine Starr read after class this past Sunday! I giggled to myself as I was in shavasana, because it rang so true for me at that very moment!
These past few months have been very confronting to say the least. I have placed harsh judgments and expectations on myself and have begun to question all my recent lifestyle changes.
As I’ve transitioned away from the numb world I was living in auto-pilot just a couple years ago, I have since reached higher levels of consciousness! Being awake is not easy! Ignorance probably is in fact, bliss! My sensitivities are at an all time high, but I must have just been de-sensitized before! Elevating consciousness through meditation and self care practices alone, is no easy fete! I often times feel like I’m a baby again, learning to walk for the first time; each step being unknown and scary, leaving me wanting to go back to being held! Every time I fall I wonder why I tried that! And I take a few steps back into doubt, fear and worry mentality.
This week’s energy is undeniable! The Full Moon, Lunar Eclipse and Blood Moon have come together to help us reach higher levels of transformation. This is, indeed, an epic time! It is by no coincidence, that my fears and doubts were rearing their ugly head again this past week, always manifested in lack of self love.
I’ve talked before about my overwhelm in taking on a Macrobiotic lifestyle, and a disciplined meditation practice which completely consumed my life, and ultimately led me to retreating back to my mom’s home to establish some much needed balance.
In this time (the past year and a half) I’ve discovered ways that do and don’t work for me. It’s been such a gift to get in touch with my true self and where I can find a natural rhythym. But each time I think something works for me, I quickly doubt it if it seems that I’m going against the grain…
For instance, I have pretty much given up drinking alcohol in the past couple years, but yet I find myself in situations where I would LOVE a margarita, or a glass of wine! I’ve given into it to try and see if it fits into my life, but I ultimately just don’t enjoy it the way I used to. It just doesn’t serve me anymore…but it’s a sad mourning of my previous lifestyle…
I feel the same way with my diet sometimes. Are my restrictions really necessary?! I put so much time and energy into taking care of myself, and genuinely love food and health, but is it getting in the way of my social life?! These are the doubtful thoughts that surface every time I find myself out of my comfort zone. When I’m in control of my daily tasks, life is smooth and seamless, but when I’m in situations where I have choices that seem confusing, I am operating from a state of fear.
This quote made me laugh because I’m probably still in Chapter Four. We are continually being tested to elevate into our highest and best selves. I’m on a path now where I want to live out my life’s calling, and if alcohol and unhealthy eating habits, don’t fit into the equation, so be it. I must let it go and move forward. And TRUST that process. Change is good and inevitable!
Finding healthy boundaries is a delicate dance! Being spiritual beings having a human experience in the physical body is a huge challenge! Taking care of our vessel is necessary for us to live out our gifts and talents. Finding an ebb and flow cultivates healthy boundaries. Taking my yoga practice off the mat and into the real world; playing with different poses and exploring what feels good and what does not, pushing myself in ways that will elevate my practice, and pulling back when I feel it’s too much, is life itself, happening right now!
Once we learn the rules, we can break them! One size does not fit all! Falling down is part of waking up! We have to keep getting on that bike or horse and sooner or later, we will be on that new street or path, but we won’t know til we fall down and learn! Go within, listen to what resonates with you and only focus on you. Don’t worry about what others may think, your path is completely unique. This is what I tell myself at least;).